52 Thoughts | Leaving Perfect Behind

I’m done chasing flawless. I. Am. Flawed.  I don’t want perfect. And this comes from a lifelong pursuit of getting straight As, delivering 110%, trying to keep a perfect house, be a perfect daughter, or perfect employee, or perfect mom, or perfect wife.

Perfect isn’t worth chasing.

So how do we balance being self aware enough to know improvement is valuable, but not so critical of ourselves that we think we’ll never be good enough? How do we decide what needs to get better and what’s good just the way it is?

It’s all about the source.

First we have our own self perceived flaws -  a mix of physical and personal points for improvement. I wish my face was smoother or my teeth straighter, or took criticism better. I wish I had twice the hours in the day to cross everything off my to do list. I could spend half that time writing out everything I could be better at. I’m probably a lot harder on myself than someone else would be* so I need to step back from time to time and realize that a) no one is looking that closely b) the physical stuff isn’t as important as what’s inside and c) being the best version of myself changes each day. Some days I’ll feel like a million bucks and other days I’ll be like.. three cents, but that doesn’t effect my overall value or place in the world.

Then there’s popular culture which tells us to be this, be that, buy this, buy that, do this do that. Commercials say “embrace your flaws” while showing what look like perfect women! Many of you commented last week that you too feel like social media has an effect on what it looks like to have it all or to be perfect. And it’s not easy when what we see isn’t really a reflection of the world around us, but tries to make us believe it is. It’s such a mixed message. One reader brilliantly put it like this:

I think that there is a myth - made worse by Pinterest/social media/blogs of having it all if you’re a woman.  You can work full time at a stellar job, look great while doing it, come home to a house that looks like a Pottery Barn catalog and whip up a four course meal from scratch for your adorable children and then go to bed, write in your journal and have sex with your husband. The reality is you’re tired, hate your job but have to work, usually run your nylons before leaving the house, feel guilty leaving your child at daycare and rush home to prepare a meal of chicken nuggets while you eat cereal standing up [and then] feel guilty you’re not giving it your all to your family.

Being perfect isn’t realistic.

What I take most seriously is the advice I get from people that I know love and care for me - like my husband, parents or close friends. When they bring up something I need to work on, I know it’s important. I know they’d never say something to hurt me, so if it comes up, it’s worth improving. Maybe it’s cooling my temper or working on tact or finally getting professional help for anxiety or post partum depression. I` know they aren’t pointing out these things to make me feel bad about myself - on the contrary - it’s  because they love me and want the best for me.

*Lastly, there’s the nasty noise of the Internet. I’m really hesitant to say anything on this, because I don’t want to put fuel on the fire, but man, girls can be really really cruel online. I’m not talking critical, I’m not talking rude, I’m talking the kind of hate that can lead some people to believe the worst about themselves. You guys probably haven’t seen much of this stuff around here since comments went away and because I try to delete it on social media, but woof. It’s not pretty. I’ve been made fun of online long enough to laugh at it now, but there was a time in my life that it haunted me. It hurt me. And I know this kind of bullying has hurt others too. What is it about a computer screen that unleashes the meanest part of other people? It took me a long time to realize this kind of feedback isn’t feedback at all. It’s a sliver of someone else’s hurt and I know enough to know it’s not about me. That’s hard to realize at first because feels so personal and so real. It’s mixed in with all of the really wonderful and kind things you hear online, so sometimes it slips between the cracks. I have a long way to go to really, truly ignore it all, but I think I have the wisdom to know this stuff is not worth listening to. 

None of us are perfect. I know I’m not even close. We could all be better at different parts of our lives. But we’re also wonderful despite our flaws. Life would be miserable if we only defined ourselves by them. We just have to do our best, even when that changes from minute to minute, hour by hour or day to day.

I’m a work in progress. I don’t have this all figured out. But I’m working on it.

We all deserve to give ourselves some slack, listen to those we love, and do the things that make us happy. Leave the rest the behind. Being perfect isn’t a life goal worth chasing.

52 Thoughts is a year long series to explore topics that matter to the women who read this blog -  the things you might talk about with your best friend or wish you could discuss more often.

What I Wore | Neutral Tones

           

WhatIWore: To contrast yesterday post with my bright blue coat and the Pepto pink background, today I’m toning things waaaaay down with neutrals.  I love the sophistication of relatively monotone looks - especially with earthy camels, beiges and cognacs. It feels easy and effortless, which worked for me this morning because I spent the bulk of my time doing my makeup! More on that later this week, but for now I’ll say I’m so into my new brows! It’s amazing what a little makeover can do!

When: December 8, 2015

What:
Hat: Self Made (see my other handmade knits at my etsy shop!)
Sweater: J.Crew Factory
Leather Jacket: Tracy Reese, older style
Jeans: J.Crew Factory 
Boots: Ugg Australia

Where: On my laptop at the coffee shop

See Also: More camel + denim inspiration here and a few more outfit ideas here and here. 

Gift Guide | Outdoorsy Type

WhatIWore: Know someone who loves nothing more than camping out and sitting ‘round the fire? These gift ideas span from stocking stuffers to bigger splurges and could work for a guy or gal! 

Pocket Outdoor Survival Guide - a cute little stocking stuffer with loads of tips and tricks for spending time in the great outdoors.

Firestarter - I’ve got a huge respect for those who can start a fire with minimal matches or any fuel! 

State or National Park Pass - Annual passes start anew January 1, which make Christmas the perfect time to give one as a gift! 

High Quality Sleeping Bag - This one falls into the splurge category, so best for an avid camper that could use an update. Also - check out this double sleeper! Cozy! 

Waterproof Outdoor Blanket - I’m such a sucker for red and black plaid and this one looks extra snuggly.  

Dutch Oven - Every fall my family makes a huge batch of chilli in a similar pot over the fire. This is the kind of gift someone might not buy for themselves, but would be a wonderful gift for an outdoorsy chef! 

Enamelware Coffee Pot - Honestly, I just want this for my own campsite! I love drinking coffee outside in the cold! (I like these enamelware mugs too)

Cute First Aid Kit - I like things that are ka-yoot. That’s ‘cute’ drawn out into a squeal. Of course a basic drug store variety is good to have on hand, but this one has a retro, old school appeal.

Other fun suggestions:

Day Hiker’s Backpack filled with packaged granola bars, jerky or dried fruit, a disposable camera, a mini bug spray, a new water bottle and map of a park they might enjoy.

Camp Side Kit with a deck of cards, a flask full of bourbon, a notebook and pen (we love Field Notes!), a fancy bar of chocolate, hand warmers and a cozy knitted hat. 

Camp Shower Mini Set - Some folks might shiver at the thought of communal camp showers, but when you’ve been hiking and camping days on end, they can feel like the biggest luxury! Make it even more special by making a little set of things like mini shampoo and conditioner, toothpaste, deodorant, nice soap (like the handmade kind you buy at farmer’s markets), a pair of flip flops and a package of cleansing wipes (I like the Burt’s Bees grapefruit scented ones!) all in a zippered bag that’s easy to pack. 

52 Thoughts | Self Worth and Social Media

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Repeat that to yourself. Over and over if you must.

Just this morning I found myself looking at the popular tags on Instagram and seeing photos that had been posted just hours earlier with thousands (or tens of thousands!) likes. And I felt jealous. I felt like maybe my photos aren’t good enough, or styled enough or just… not enough.

It’s fun to share the pretty and the happy parts of our lives. People like to brag and show off. We share our joy or our good fortune because it’s fun. We’re used to celebrities living seemingly charmed lives, but now it feels like everyone has it better. Another blogger who’s famous out of no where, the woman with the perfect kitchen or just some girl who has it all.

Let’s not lose sight of the full picture. We don’t know about the debt or the depression or the messes hidden in the corner. We don’t know about the self esteem issues or health problems lurking in the background. Simply put - we just don’t know what’s going on in another person’s life behind the scenes. Maybe posting pretty pictures helps someone cope with a huge hardship. People aren’t posting to make other people feel bad about themselves, right?

It’s hard to remember when it feels personal. You follow someone on social media long enough and you feel like friends, even if you’ve never met before (I do this all the time!) And it can also be hard when all you see are beaches and smiling besties and fresh peonies next to expensive sunglasses and a plate of macrarons.  It’s easy to think your life could be better if you had those things. Or if you had more likes and hearts and comments from strangers. But at the end of the day, you can’t take those tokens of validation with you. When your phone is dead or there’s no wifi around, do those things really make us happy?  Can a photo of that dessert ever live up to actually tasting it?  Will you sleep easier after you’ve filtered and cropped bits and bites of your life? Will your happiness tick up higher and higher as your follower count grows? We all know the answer is no, but that doesn’t stop us from measuring our self worth with online acceptance.

It’s a nasty pattern and I’m ashamed to say I’ve played into for a long time. I want to be liked! That’s human nature! I like pretty things and taking pictures of them. I like sharing! But I also know I’m more than my Instagram account or twitter followers or page views. It doesn’t stop me from having days of jealousy or comparing other people’s happiness to mine. But then I remember this - I have value far beyond what I leave online.

And so do you. You are not your blog or your facebook page. You’re a three dimensional person with a personality that can never be captured in 140 characters. You’re a daughter and a friend, maybe a wife or girlfriend or a mother. As we look through the window of the social media world, with beautiful Holiday decorations, fancy food, endless gifts, let’s try not to compare. It’s possible to say to “good for you!” and mean it. Look inward to your own good fortune and instead of counting likes and followers, count your blessings.

You are enough and you’re worthy, just the way you are and no amount of online likes will ever change it.

52 Thoughts is a year long series to explore topics that matter to the women who read this blog -  the things you might talk about with your best friend or wish you could discuss more often.